Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
