I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize