whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
