Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
