I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
