We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
