I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My bed is full of blood and feathers
PS: I just woke up from my shower
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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