yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
