so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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