You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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