oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
