and she was petting her beer can
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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