My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
