If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
