When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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