I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
