my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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