dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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