and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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