my phone needs a breathalizer
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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