where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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