Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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