New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
