ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
false alarm. still invincible.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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