my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
