ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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