If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
