I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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