I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
