If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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