Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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