Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
