oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
