Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
