Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
