I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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