ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My hand turned me down
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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