what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
