Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
