pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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