So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize