The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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