he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
