According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
