ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize