i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
