i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
