time to smoke my breakfast
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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