she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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