Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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