WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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