Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
