I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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