i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
