mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
