Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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