Got a toothbrush?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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