you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
i need some magic done to my vagina
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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