Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
