is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
did i just pee glitter
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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