got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
