this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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