I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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