i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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