I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
